What a difference a day can make.
Thanks to all of you amazing women whose words of identification and HOPE cleared away so much of the darkness I felt yesterday. I have read those words over and over and attribute much of my change in perspective to the power of a community bonded by the cement of understanding, compassion and love. You all rock.
I also believe that every time we go through the roller coaster of hope/waiting/disappointment we go through a cycle of the grieving process that that what's-his-face guy coined, Ed somethin'? (what a dumby) and I am amazed, yet again at how quickly I go from the numbness of denial, to the fierce anger to the intense sadness and the land, somehow, on the feet of acceptance.
This happened all in a 24hour span??
Don't hear me say that I didn't have the shooting pain of sadness course my veins momentarily as I sat with a pg. friend last night at a birthday dinner...but, it surprisingly did not last. I didn't plaster the usual forced smile, you know the one- where you consciously tell the muscles on either corner to ignore the downward pull??!!! I actually spoke to her about her upcoming move to a family neighbourhood and was, um, strangely happy for her????? Huh?
Somehow after my 'release' to you guys, my women's group that I go to on living a spiritual life (where we are studying Tolle's The Power of Now) I actually got in my car, cranked the tunes and was peaceful, happy, and hopeful.
Not gonna analyze it, just going to take it and runnnnnnnn.
Thanks, yet again.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Tidal Wave
I have been pulled under by the tide of a giant tidal wave.
I am slammed against the bottom of the ocean floor, and the wind is knocked out of me.
I do not know which way is up.
I am tired and start to panic.
The terrorizing thought that this may be it fills my body with pain.
It is a nightmare.
I want to wake up, because, right now, I don't have the strength to swim.
To others, this may sound dramatic or self-piteous.
I assure you, it is.
You see, just for today, the optimism 'pot' runneth dry.
I guess it has runneth over for some time now...or maybe that was the wishful thinking pot???
But for me, a person who spends most of her time telling others that life is beautiful and worth living, I, today, am needing to release these feelings somewhere. Anywhere. Here.
I have not left my kitchen all morning. Reading about others who know how I feel, and those who have moved on, allows me to feel what is really going on inside. You guys (even dear R. who has just bought a front row seat to our show, and has had her own hardship in her own life) understand how truly daunting the idea that the most primal instinct to procreate may be being denied is.
Yesterday, when I heard the news, I had a moment where I doubted Gods existed. Where I shouted out that familiar old idea, that there couldn't possibly be a God who is this cruel. I swore that this would be the end of my believing, praying, hoping, dreaming, optimism...
What I was really saying was that I want the pain to end. I want a break from the heartache and disappointment. I want to hear a yes, instead of always hearing a no.
The swearing doesn't last long. I know those old ideas are not reality for I was given that Knowledge, many years ago as I lay on the maternity ward for two weeks following our first ectopic pregnancy that almost killed me, that this was not God punishing me. That this problem was scientific. His Grace carried me through that time, as I heard the calls, over the intercom, for the new mothers to come for the breastfeeding classes, while I lay, empty-wombed...I would never have survived that time if I believed that somehow they were 'blessed' and I was being punished.
I was given that same reassurance as I lost my best friend (age 24), father (at age 53) and stepmother (age 52) of cancer. It was not that God had "thought it was their time to leave the planet"- that is an old idea. It was scientific. A problem in the human realm, not the spiritual.
All of that said, G & I are so grateful to have met someone so moved by our plight that they would actually jump in with us to try and help. We will always be grateful for R and want her to know that.
The pain I feel is just the time ticking, the life altering pain that we, as a couple, are experiencing and the utter disbelief that we are still here. We both feel like fish out of water. That something drastic needs to change, and that this sadness must give way soon or it will kill us.
We have aged. G looks different now, so do I. This has stolen something from us. We have been overwhelmed and are 'hitting the mat' and both shouting "I Give"!!!!!!
The lesson cannot be that Life is Unfair. I got that one long ago (like many of you). The lesson cannot be patience, I think we have proven that we have that. The lesson can't be perseverance, humility or keeping faith. You can't move onto surrogacy without possessing those three attributes to some degree.
Is the lesson that we are not meant to be parents?
I don't know if that is a lesson I am prepared to learn, thanks...
Help.
I am slammed against the bottom of the ocean floor, and the wind is knocked out of me.
I do not know which way is up.
I am tired and start to panic.
The terrorizing thought that this may be it fills my body with pain.
It is a nightmare.
I want to wake up, because, right now, I don't have the strength to swim.
To others, this may sound dramatic or self-piteous.
I assure you, it is.
You see, just for today, the optimism 'pot' runneth dry.
I guess it has runneth over for some time now...or maybe that was the wishful thinking pot???
But for me, a person who spends most of her time telling others that life is beautiful and worth living, I, today, am needing to release these feelings somewhere. Anywhere. Here.
I have not left my kitchen all morning. Reading about others who know how I feel, and those who have moved on, allows me to feel what is really going on inside. You guys (even dear R. who has just bought a front row seat to our show, and has had her own hardship in her own life) understand how truly daunting the idea that the most primal instinct to procreate may be being denied is.
Yesterday, when I heard the news, I had a moment where I doubted Gods existed. Where I shouted out that familiar old idea, that there couldn't possibly be a God who is this cruel. I swore that this would be the end of my believing, praying, hoping, dreaming, optimism...
What I was really saying was that I want the pain to end. I want a break from the heartache and disappointment. I want to hear a yes, instead of always hearing a no.
The swearing doesn't last long. I know those old ideas are not reality for I was given that Knowledge, many years ago as I lay on the maternity ward for two weeks following our first ectopic pregnancy that almost killed me, that this was not God punishing me. That this problem was scientific. His Grace carried me through that time, as I heard the calls, over the intercom, for the new mothers to come for the breastfeeding classes, while I lay, empty-wombed...I would never have survived that time if I believed that somehow they were 'blessed' and I was being punished.
I was given that same reassurance as I lost my best friend (age 24), father (at age 53) and stepmother (age 52) of cancer. It was not that God had "thought it was their time to leave the planet"- that is an old idea. It was scientific. A problem in the human realm, not the spiritual.
All of that said, G & I are so grateful to have met someone so moved by our plight that they would actually jump in with us to try and help. We will always be grateful for R and want her to know that.
The pain I feel is just the time ticking, the life altering pain that we, as a couple, are experiencing and the utter disbelief that we are still here. We both feel like fish out of water. That something drastic needs to change, and that this sadness must give way soon or it will kill us.
We have aged. G looks different now, so do I. This has stolen something from us. We have been overwhelmed and are 'hitting the mat' and both shouting "I Give"!!!!!!
The lesson cannot be that Life is Unfair. I got that one long ago (like many of you). The lesson cannot be patience, I think we have proven that we have that. The lesson can't be perseverance, humility or keeping faith. You can't move onto surrogacy without possessing those three attributes to some degree.
Is the lesson that we are not meant to be parents?
I don't know if that is a lesson I am prepared to learn, thanks...
Help.
Monday, April 13, 2009
cOuch
Sneaking an update, mainly for R.
Today we got the call while we stopped into the Brick to look for cheap appliances, to help in the sale of our house. While there, I was also looking at the couches that were on sale for R. She is looking for one, and I was secretly sure that she would need it for the bedrest she would be on from the twins...
Sitting on a couch in the Brick (of all places), G & I held hands as we picked up the message.
I could tell from the way the nurse said 'Hello" what the outcome was.
But this is R's first experience of the pain and sadness associated with a phone call telling you that the beta is negative, to stop all medication and...and what exactly???
We, sadly, know this all too well. Too many times to count or fathom.
When will I learn. Obviously there is some lesson I am to learn.
For now, all I can say, on behalf of a Team Baby who gave it their all is:
a punching-fist-through-wall angry & extremely broken-hearted: Ouch.
Today we got the call while we stopped into the Brick to look for cheap appliances, to help in the sale of our house. While there, I was also looking at the couches that were on sale for R. She is looking for one, and I was secretly sure that she would need it for the bedrest she would be on from the twins...
Sitting on a couch in the Brick (of all places), G & I held hands as we picked up the message.
I could tell from the way the nurse said 'Hello" what the outcome was.
But this is R's first experience of the pain and sadness associated with a phone call telling you that the beta is negative, to stop all medication and...and what exactly???
We, sadly, know this all too well. Too many times to count or fathom.
When will I learn. Obviously there is some lesson I am to learn.
For now, all I can say, on behalf of a Team Baby who gave it their all is:
a punching-fist-through-wall angry & extremely broken-hearted: Ouch.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Team Baby 10dp3dt
Just a few words, a little update with the sole purpose of getting support...
R is doing great-full of hormones and hit-by-a-train tired...I pray that the little ones are the cause of her havoc!
G & I have, for the most part, had a real peace & hopefulness (although the nerves kicked in for both of us yesterday) and because R is doing all the hard work at this point, I am able to jump into the renos around here sans fear which has really averted my mind from the usual 2ww obsessing.
On the great PAOS debate: jury is still out deliberating. R is starting to get why waiting makes sense, she sees the roller coaster that testing too early could bring...At this point, she has our support (and the stockpile o' sticks) to pee at will...Yeaowwww-gulp.
This weekend is Easter. The Miracle of all Miracles (capitol 'M' miracle!!!) and Team Baby is hoping for a little one (s) ourselves.
Thank you guys, thank you R...
R is doing great-full of hormones and hit-by-a-train tired...I pray that the little ones are the cause of her havoc!
G & I have, for the most part, had a real peace & hopefulness (although the nerves kicked in for both of us yesterday) and because R is doing all the hard work at this point, I am able to jump into the renos around here sans fear which has really averted my mind from the usual 2ww obsessing.
On the great PAOS debate: jury is still out deliberating. R is starting to get why waiting makes sense, she sees the roller coaster that testing too early could bring...At this point, she has our support (and the stockpile o' sticks) to pee at will...Yeaowwww-gulp.
This weekend is Easter. The Miracle of all Miracles (capitol 'M' miracle!!!) and Team Baby is hoping for a little one (s) ourselves.
Thank you guys, thank you R...
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
We Held Hopeful Hands
Monday March 30th, 2009
Hi guys!!! Thanks for all your kind words of encouragement for Team Baby! You are all official members of the team and were with us yesterday...
There seems to be a whole lot of people hoping & helping our dreams come true.
There is of course the awesomely courageous R (applause), Dr. Garfield (I mean Dr. L), the favourite technician who made sure she came in to help with the transfer, my mom & SIL who went into her church to beg, plead & light candles, the lawyers who worked their butts off to get everything done, Duck who has helped me personally with my new role of IM, all of the people on R's side of the team who are helping her be on bedrest (cleaning, cooking, taking care of her cats, you name it!) and you & all the other people who tell me that we are in their thoughts & prayers...
I have a sense that we are a village, and boy, it seems to take a village for us...
Yesterday, after an excruciating wait (kayjay, Dr. L was about an hour late!!) for R's very full blatter (she had to do the tough task of a half-cup-pee 3 times!!!!!!) we ushered ourselves into the transfer room. It was a packed room indeed! We (G&R&I) held hopeful hands as we saw the picture of our three (they all woke up!!) gorgeous embryos. For some reason, they all looked stunning to us, if we do say so ourselves! We all welled up as we saw them go into R's safe and cozy womb. Cheers and tears all around.
After a 'pit stop' for R's first, hopefully of many, cravings- a charcoal pit burger at the, ummm, well 'Charcoal Pit Burger', we dropped her off to put her feet up and enjoy being PUPO.
It took all of about 5 mins for G & me to pass out when we got home. He, yet again, showed his quiet strength today- all the emotions that go along with what we have gone through and he is still 'in it to win it', and by my (now, with R, OUR) side. I want to see his faith lead him to a
big ol smile one day soon.
We are hopeful, overwhelmed, realistic (that has come unfortunately over the years), grateful, excited and exhausted.
Nestle in little ones. You are safe, longed for and loved- by a whole village.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Wow.
Ok, because my life has been crazy and there is no time to really post...
We will be transferring to our surrogate R, Monday morning.
It all seems quite surreal.
I will post after the transfer with all the details...
We need your prayers: R, G&me and our three embryos...
Yeowww!!
Go Team Baby...
We will be transferring to our surrogate R, Monday morning.
It all seems quite surreal.
I will post after the transfer with all the details...
We need your prayers: R, G&me and our three embryos...
Yeowww!!
Go Team Baby...
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Great Eggspectations
Gather round, bring a blanket, I am going to tell you about my week so far, and what a week it has been...
This will be interesting (I am not saying that like the guy who says, 'this is going to be funny' right before telling a really bad joke) I am merely saying that life has been wild lately, and when I sit down to blog I have no idea how that is going to translate. So it's more of a, here goes nothing...
Since last week we have been running in the 'Lawyer Marathon'. Truly an intense interchange between our lawyer (who basically writes the contract adding our specifics) and us; us and R.;
R. and her lawyer (who we scrambled and found Monday after poor R's backed out Sat, knowing that we had to be done wed!!!!!!! thanks God!!!) our lawyer and R's (put up yer dukes) and all finally culminating in a lot of initialling and signing and relief that this part is over.
Let's just say that running a marathon is hell (btdt have the bad knees to prove it) and introducing lawyers into the marathon of IF is even more horrendous. It is not 'Lawyers' fault (I actually loved both of ours and am so grateful they spent the better part of their lives over the last week getting this done in time to cycle...) it is just that the reality of talking about the possible worst case scenarios/risks and horrible possibilities (I got a whole bunch more now to add to the ones I already have experienced or feared!!) is not the stuff you want to be thinking about as you head into such a wonderful, exciting new horizon!!!!!
All in all, R and I were soldiers and despite a few bombs that landed a little close for comfort at times, I think we banded together and did Team Baby proud.
We signed our baby contract on March 18Th.
Lawyer, and the guy from the IT firm next door who she got to be my witness, were both Chinese. They were so thrilled that we were signing on that day. They explained to me, very excitedly, that the number was one of the most fortunate numbers in the Chinese New Year.
One symbolises a fortune that is definitely coming, and eight symbolises Life. Their excitement and story really touched me, especially as he explained it to me having no idea what kind of contract he was witnessing me sign and she watched on with a huge smile.
March 18 was also R's CD2 and our baseline visit to the clinic. And they're off!!!!!!
This was R's introduction into the early morning trek, (we are still drinking coffee thank goodness, that is going to be done soon and I will give it up with her out of sympathy) to the clinic, the sign in, wait, bloods, wait, u/s, wait, doc apt, wait...you gals know the drill.
She also started her estrace ( I have a picture of the first dose from the food court in the Eaton's Centre, now that is surreal...)
My doctor is slowly becoming my newest hero in a long line of heroes. Check this out.
After the green light we finish our first visit with the always fun "time to pay" routine. After a quick talk they hand me the breakdown of my payment for the cycle and it is double what the price sheet that they gave me at the consult 4 weeks earlier!!!!! Double.
sound of crickets.
Gulp, OK, "Do you think I could talk to someone about this???" comes out, instead of what would have come out in the past at all the other times I got hit with something I didn't understand, for fear that they would not like me and therefore not try really hard to help me. How foolish I have been.
Two minutes later Dr. L comes in and three minutes later he is saying,
"Don't worry, we'll honour the original price, I just want you to have a baby."
I love you Dr. L. THANK YOU.
After that is was some fun. Bra shopping to be exact. Her beautiful bountiful girls and my little buds. One (brassiere) looked like the real deal and mine, well, do you remember training bras? Yeah, well, I never graduated...
This post doesn't do justice to the highs and bumps and twists and turns in my week, but suffice it to say, this one won't be forgotten.
Tomorrow is the first day of spring. Natures mating season. We are mating I suppose, but just in a slightly unconventional sense and I have never been more hopeful.
Here is a picture of the sign that caught both our eyes and made us giggle, as we headed home that day. Great Eggspectations.
As for my other hero G., well he was feeling a little out of the loop. (anyone who is
working an average of 80hours a week might feel this, but esp. as all this big stuff is happening) That is, untill today when he got to sign the contract too. If I knew where the heart symbol was on my keyboard I would insert here. I heart him.
Most importantly,
To all those out there reading this, please pause right now and say a quiet or loud prayer for: Duck, Mr Duck, Suro and her family, P, Niki,and Mr. Niki, K and her family and all their little ones. We are thinking of you all right now.
Peace ladies.
This will be interesting (I am not saying that like the guy who says, 'this is going to be funny' right before telling a really bad joke) I am merely saying that life has been wild lately, and when I sit down to blog I have no idea how that is going to translate. So it's more of a, here goes nothing...
Since last week we have been running in the 'Lawyer Marathon'. Truly an intense interchange between our lawyer (who basically writes the contract adding our specifics) and us; us and R.;
R. and her lawyer (who we scrambled and found Monday after poor R's backed out Sat, knowing that we had to be done wed!!!!!!! thanks God!!!) our lawyer and R's (put up yer dukes) and all finally culminating in a lot of initialling and signing and relief that this part is over.
Let's just say that running a marathon is hell (btdt have the bad knees to prove it) and introducing lawyers into the marathon of IF is even more horrendous. It is not 'Lawyers' fault (I actually loved both of ours and am so grateful they spent the better part of their lives over the last week getting this done in time to cycle...) it is just that the reality of talking about the possible worst case scenarios/risks and horrible possibilities (I got a whole bunch more now to add to the ones I already have experienced or feared!!) is not the stuff you want to be thinking about as you head into such a wonderful, exciting new horizon!!!!!
All in all, R and I were soldiers and despite a few bombs that landed a little close for comfort at times, I think we banded together and did Team Baby proud.
We signed our baby contract on March 18Th.
Lawyer, and the guy from the IT firm next door who she got to be my witness, were both Chinese. They were so thrilled that we were signing on that day. They explained to me, very excitedly, that the number was one of the most fortunate numbers in the Chinese New Year.
One symbolises a fortune that is definitely coming, and eight symbolises Life. Their excitement and story really touched me, especially as he explained it to me having no idea what kind of contract he was witnessing me sign and she watched on with a huge smile.
March 18 was also R's CD2 and our baseline visit to the clinic. And they're off!!!!!!
This was R's introduction into the early morning trek, (we are still drinking coffee thank goodness, that is going to be done soon and I will give it up with her out of sympathy) to the clinic, the sign in, wait, bloods, wait, u/s, wait, doc apt, wait...you gals know the drill.
She also started her estrace ( I have a picture of the first dose from the food court in the Eaton's Centre, now that is surreal...)
My doctor is slowly becoming my newest hero in a long line of heroes. Check this out.
After the green light we finish our first visit with the always fun "time to pay" routine. After a quick talk they hand me the breakdown of my payment for the cycle and it is double what the price sheet that they gave me at the consult 4 weeks earlier!!!!! Double.
sound of crickets.
Gulp, OK, "Do you think I could talk to someone about this???" comes out, instead of what would have come out in the past at all the other times I got hit with something I didn't understand, for fear that they would not like me and therefore not try really hard to help me. How foolish I have been.
Two minutes later Dr. L comes in and three minutes later he is saying,
"Don't worry, we'll honour the original price, I just want you to have a baby."
I love you Dr. L. THANK YOU.
After that is was some fun. Bra shopping to be exact. Her beautiful bountiful girls and my little buds. One (brassiere) looked like the real deal and mine, well, do you remember training bras? Yeah, well, I never graduated...
This post doesn't do justice to the highs and bumps and twists and turns in my week, but suffice it to say, this one won't be forgotten.
Tomorrow is the first day of spring. Natures mating season. We are mating I suppose, but just in a slightly unconventional sense and I have never been more hopeful.
Here is a picture of the sign that caught both our eyes and made us giggle, as we headed home that day. Great Eggspectations.
As for my other hero G., well he was feeling a little out of the loop. (anyone who is
working an average of 80hours a week might feel this, but esp. as all this big stuff is happening) That is, untill today when he got to sign the contract too. If I knew where the heart symbol was on my keyboard I would insert here. I heart him.
Most importantly,
To all those out there reading this, please pause right now and say a quiet or loud prayer for: Duck, Mr Duck, Suro and her family, P, Niki,and Mr. Niki, K and her family and all their little ones. We are thinking of you all right now.
Peace ladies.
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