Friday, July 24, 2009

I am Here.


This is a post to say that I am still here...

So much has happened in our lives over the last few months and none of it has involved my reproductive system or anyone else's which has been a huge relief in many ways...but not in all.

When I started this blog it was meant to be a safe place to vent, inspire, draw strength and connect with those who were travelling on the same road. But what has happened is that it has morfed into being a miny version of my real life ,where I have watched others 'achieve' what still eludes us. Of the blogs/connections I made here nearly all are in various stages of pregnancy, and while I am so thrilled & inspired by the 'happy endings' I am yet again outside. Left behind. Waiting.

Of the few of us who are still hoping, longing, aching, most of your blogs have gone private and I wonder weather it is for self preservation...I understand that completely.

By posting today, I am hoping to tap into the strength that is still out there- those in the next chapter; those who are with me here and those new gals who may stumble across this today and need to know they are not alone.

G & I have continued with Operation Happiness. It has manifested wonderful things in our lives. We have moved to a part of the city which was a dream for us just a few months ago. It is truly amazing what can happen with vision, hard work and taking risks!!! We finished renovating our bungalow, I completely staged it (including painting the whole thing, inside & out, ourselves) sold it in less than one week, found a duplex in our 'dream neighbourhood', closed on both deals and moved in less than a month??!!!!

Why can't all things be that way?

Why can't vision, hard work and taking risks be enough when it comes to having the family that we both believe is meant to be ours??

On that front, a little bit of what followed Team Babies negative beta.

This is the first time I have addressed this thoroughly with anyone, including G.

I told him briefly what happened when I went to the follow up apt., but it was imperative for us to put all of this on a shelf. I knew we, HE, was at breaking point.

So, the follow up appointment was, well, dumbfounding.

I asked God (as I always do) to shed a little much needed light on the situation and when I arrived at the Clinic I was clearly the last apt. of the day for Dr. L. I waited and waited and finally he yelled for me and as we walked back to his office he said that they didn't have me on the schedule. Odd, our first apt. with him was the same.

We proceeded to sit across from one another and he said, glancing every now and then at the clock behind me, 'So, how can I help you today?'

It was clear to me, he had absolutely no clue who I was, or why I was there. It was as if I were a stranger to him.

I explained that this was the follow up to a negative beta for G& I and our surrogate R.-hoping to jog his memory.




*insert him madly flipping pages on our 'epic-novel-sized chart' and me, chin shaking, omg, don't start bawling you idiot, give him a chance...*

He then proceeds to counter act everything he told G & I at our first meeting only a couple of months earlier.

In stark contrast to our first apt., when he stated that 'he wasn't sure why we were using a surrogate with our amazing production of embryos, good blood work etc.', he proceeds to say with 'our long track record, age and high (not fsh, the other dohicky that tells you about the number of eggs you are producing)' he felt our chances of conceiving if we continued were slim .

If I were standing, I think my legs would have given out. I had never, in the three doctors who had been working with me, heard that there was any concern about egg production. He then proceeded to say that in his opinion, our only option was egg donor.

I sat across from him, and as the flood gates opened, made some lame joke about him finding a 6 foot model-turned astronaut, as he answered his cell phone and had a conversation with the person on the other end who was clearly his wife, wondering why he was so late.

After that there was pretty much nothing left to say but. Ok, thanks??!! and goodbye.

He walked me to reception and I was still crying. He said an awkward "You are special" and I have yet to know what he meant.

So, after conceiving naturally and 32, going through 3 clinics, 3 doctors, 3 operations, 2 more pregnancies, countless times I begged for what turned out to be hydros removed, countless months and dollars later- I am now almost 39 and my chances to have a genetic child are done. Just like that.

He did tell me that we had had terrible direction and medical care, and that he would have done things much differently.

We are sort of at a loss. We don't know where to go and so we are going nowhere.

We are not opposed to egg donor, but why and how do we trust this advice, given to us to a doctor who said the complete opposite thing to us and who has no clue who we are after telling us he would 'pray for us' and would make us parents????

So, there it is and here I am.

One bright note in all of this is there is no clock ticking any more. Time doesn't really matter, because one thing is abundantly clear- I will not endure another round in the ring with my eggs. That is over.

Not a cheery post, I know, but here I am.

If you are new here, and I could give you one lick of 'advice' : be your own advocate, and move to Colorado...