Friday, July 24, 2009

I am Here.

Hello.

This is a post to say that I am still here...



So much has happened in our lives over the last few months and none of it has involved my reproductive system or anyone else's which has been a huge relief in many ways...but not in all.



When I started this blog it was meant to be a safe place to vent, inspire, draw strength and connect with those who were travelling on the same road. But what has happened is that it has morfed into being a miny version of my real life ,where I have watched others 'achieve' what still eludes us. Of the blogs/connections I made here nearly all are in various stages of pregnancy, and while I am so thrilled & inspired by the 'happy endings' I am yet again outside. Left behind. Waiting.



Of the few of us who are still hoping, longing, aching, most of your blogs have gone private and I wonder weather it is for self preservation...I understand that completely.



By posting today, I am hoping to tap into the strength that is still out there- those in the next chapter; those who are with me here and those new gals who may stumble across this today and need to know they are not alone.



G & I have continued with Operation Happiness. It has manifested wonderful things in our lives. We have moved to a part of the city which was a dream for us just a few months ago. It is truly amazing what can happen with vision, hard work and taking risks!!! We finished renovating our bungalow, I completely staged it (including painting the whole thing, inside & out, ourselves) sold it in less than one week, found a duplex in our 'dream neighbourhood', closed on both deals and moved in less than a month??!!!!



Why can't all things be that way?

Why can't vision, hard work and taking risks be enough when it comes to having the family that we both believe is meant to be ours??



On that front, a little bit of what followed Team Babies negative beta.



This is the first time I have addressed this thoroughly with anyone, including G.

I told him briefly what happened when I went to the follow up apt., but it was imperative for us to put all of this on a shelf. I knew we, HE, was at breaking point.



So, the follow up appointment was, well, dumbfounding.



I asked God (as I always do) to shed a little much needed light on the situation and when I arrived at the Clinic I was clearly the last apt. of the day for Dr. L. I waited and waited and finally he yelled for me and as we walked back to his office he said that they didn't have me on the schedule. Odd, our first apt. with him was the same.



We proceeded to sit across from one another and he said, glancing every now and then at the clock behind me, 'So, how can I help you today?'



It was clear to me, he had absolutely no clue who I was, or why I was there. It was as if I were a stranger to him.



I explained that this was the follow up to a negative beta for G& I and our surrogate R.-hoping to jog his memory.

Nada.

Blank.

Zilch.

*insert him madly flipping pages on our 'epic-novel-sized chart' and me, chin shaking, omg, don't start bawling you idiot, give him a chance...*



He then proceeds to counter act everything he told G & I at our first meeting only a couple of months earlier.



In stark contrast to our first apt., when he stated that 'he wasn't sure why we were using a surrogate with our amazing production of embryos, good blood work etc.', he proceeds to say with 'our long track record, age and high (not fsh, the other dohicky that tells you about the number of eggs you are producing)' he felt our chances of conceiving if we continued were slim .



If I were standing, I think my legs would have given out. I had never, in the three doctors who had been working with me, heard that there was any concern about egg production. He then proceeded to say that in his opinion, our only option was egg donor.



I sat across from him, and as the flood gates opened, made some lame joke about him finding a 6 foot model-turned astronaut, as he answered his cell phone and had a conversation with the person on the other end who was clearly his wife, wondering why he was so late.



After that there was pretty much nothing left to say but. Ok, thanks??!! and goodbye.



He walked me to reception and I was still crying. He said an awkward "You are special" and I have yet to know what he meant.



So, after conceiving naturally and 32, going through 3 clinics, 3 doctors, 3 operations, 2 more pregnancies, countless times I begged for what turned out to be hydros removed, countless months and dollars later- I am now almost 39 and my chances to have a genetic child are done. Just like that.



He did tell me that we had had terrible direction and medical care, and that he would have done things much differently.



We are sort of at a loss. We don't know where to go and so we are going nowhere.

We are not opposed to egg donor, but why and how do we trust this advice, given to us to a doctor who said the complete opposite thing to us and who has no clue who we are after telling us he would 'pray for us' and would make us parents????



So, there it is and here I am.



One bright note in all of this is there is no clock ticking any more. Time doesn't really matter, because one thing is abundantly clear- I will not endure another round in the ring with my eggs. That is over.



Not a cheery post, I know, but here I am.

If you are new here, and I could give you one lick of 'advice' : be your own advocate, and move to Colorado...














31 comments:

  1. I am so glad to see that you are back. I really missed you (I guess that is possible in blogosphere)!

    I am so happy that y'all found your dream place to live AND you were able to stage your own place - that's awesome!!!

    Your doctor sounds like he is pretty terrible. I am so sorry that you had to hear that news in that way. How could he have that conversation with you as he flipped through your chart? I just am dumbfounded by some of these doctors.

    I had my annual visit on a Friday and he scheduled me for an HSG the following Wednesday. After the dye went through he told me that he got a bad shot of the left tube. I had to tell him that my left tube was removed? WTF???? I JUST SAW YOU AND WE DISCUSSED THIS.

    I just don't understand. I am so happy to see you back. I really hope I and other bloggers can be of some support if you decide that you want/need to continue blogging.

    Sorry this is so long!

    Tina

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  2. or move to CA-great clinic in Daly City.

    I am SO relieved to finally hear from you and so saddened to know that YOU lived with all of this information privately for so long. I'm so sad that you felt there was no one that could help hold you up while you struggled through the info-at least processed it.
    I'm not a 6foot model, astronaut, but boy do I wish there was something I could do to help you out, support you, hold you up-whatever.

    Wow on the moving though! It makes perfect sense that you could throw yourself into it so thouroughly! Enjoy the new place and the new happiness that it brings.

    Again, thrilled to see you back and I only wish there was more I could say or do!

    Haven't heard from R either, hope she's ok as well!

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  3. I'm glad you're ok.
    I know that "ok" is a relative term. I'm just glad to see you posting.
    Yes we went private. But I assure you--I have not moved on. I am still in the trenches.
    Email me at planetdavila@gmail.com and I'll give you the scoop.
    Hang in there, you're not alone!

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  4. Hey - I have been thinking about you - i have moved blogs - email me at speculumstories@gmail.com

    i am sorry for the CRAP doctor, and his CRAP bedside manners. And happy that things are moving forward - stay in touch.

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  5. New to your blog. Oh my gosh!! That is all I can say. I cannot believe that RE. I don't think I would have been able to walk out after that appt.

    So I am guessing Colorado is where you will be cycling next. Being your own advocate is something so many of us forget. Thank you for the advice. I am so sorry you have had to go through all that you have. As hard as this all is it is nice to know we are not alone in our quest. Don't give up!

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  6. This dr sounds like an ass.

    And you put into words what I've been feeling for awhile. I don't get joy out of blogging like I used to because all the others on my path in life are miraculously pregnant right now or have had an adoption happen. I know I should be happy for them, and I am, in a way, but like you said, I'm the odd man out, again. It sucks.

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  7. Oh wow...that is so much to process. 1st let me say congrats on the move! I am impressed that you were able to make it happen so fast. I am so happy you are back!
    2nd, I am so sorry your doctor was so awful to you. I am not even sure how I feel about what he said, because I can't get past how terribly you were treated.
    I don't what what your thoughts on Colorado are, but in my opinion (not that it matters one little bit!), it is at least worth doing a phone consult and hearing Dr. Schoolcraft's thoughts and suggestions.
    Please keep us posted - blogging can be such a double edged sword...
    Thinking of you!

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  8. Hi there - good to hear from you. I've wondered often what was going on with you.

    I'm in the trenches with you my dear. No moving on here - still in the same old place I was - what, 8 years ago!!!?? I too have been feeling left behind in the blog world - everyone has moved on, got pregnant, had babies, while I'm still whining about the same old crap!

    This doctor of your sounds a bit strange, if I may say so. He was obviously more interested in getting out and going home to his wife. And I hate it when doctors use a cookie cutter approach to IF treatment. It's like they go down a checklist of things - ok, you've done this, this and this, so, ummm.... yeah, nothing but donor eggs will work for you! Just like that!!

    Good luck with everything, and I hope you do post, even if only once in a while....

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  9. Welcome back.... I too feel left behind in the infertile trenches but my heart just breaks for you. What a crappy doctor I am absolutely disgusted with what he said and how he said it. I don't want to offend you but you have you gotten a "second opinion"? Clearly this ass is useless and disrespectful.. I am so very sorry. Don't lose all hope until you at least get another opinion.

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  10. I know how you feel...but I personally think you should consider a second opinion...or genetic testing if you really want to use your own eggs. Yes, I've moved on to pregnancy, finally, but I also did 7 IVF's. I just kept plugging away mercilessly (7 IVFs in under 2 years) until I got what I wanted or several doctors told me it wasn't possible. I would have totally done DE if any one had suggested it would help...but just to let you know...don't put stock in crappy RE's. My old RE told me I had full implantation failure and needed a surrogate. I changed clinics and got pregnant right away (Absolutely no implantation failure- pure protocol failure). I just don't trust the opinion of one doctor...especially one that inept. Stay strong.

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  11. I'm so glad you decided to post. I don't have a clue what your going through, but you blogs just touch me in a way I can't explain.

    I'm so glad you have found a home your happy with, congrats on the move and doing it so quickly!! 3 months on the market and I still didn't sell my house...lol....it's all good now.

    Sounds to me like you have an asshole for a doctor...I would definately consider seeing a new one ASAP. 39 does not seem too young for IVF, many have done it an suceeded. Not to mention he had the WORST bedside manners, and honestly, in a job such as his, that should never happen.

    I'm sorry you had to go through that. I'm glad however that your back.

    Are you still talking to R? How is she doing?

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  12. Hi... I found your blog a few months ago and wondered what had happened, if you were ok - so glad you decided to post. Congrats on the house. And about that doctor - I've also had RE's reintroduce themselves to me, clearly not knowing me, when I've had multiple appts with them!!!! WTF? He sounds like his head was up his butt (or maybe his wife's) the whole appointment, and not focusing on you at all - having gotten pregnant 3 times before, I am having serious doubts that at only 39 your number is up. Does your last line mean you're going to CCRM? I am hoping a second opinion will shed real light on this for you - from your description, I really think he's a douche and didn't know what he was talking about. Thinking of you.

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  13. I have missed you and am glad to hear that you are okay. Just off to bed, but had to post a hello - glad you are back.

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  14. I started following your blog (a shameless lurker) back in early March. Even though I did not comment, my heart broke when you got the news of your latest BFN with your GS.

    Even though my journey has not had the ups and downs that yours has (...yet!), I understand the pain of not being able to create a child and carry him or her all too well (my only hope for bio babies also lays with Gestational Surrogacy).

    I'm so angered by the way your RE treated you. I agree with the others. Get the heck out of there and try to regroup with a doctor who is personally invested in your success.

    No matter what the route, I hope so much that you and DH end up with a baby to call your own.

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  15. Glad to see you back blogging. I am so sorry about your meeting with your doctor. He clearly is not thinking carefully about you and it makes sense to get other opinions. After our BFN with our surrogate and my eggs we moved to DE and it worked. It's a hard step and I still want to freeze more embryos with my eggs just because I believe there is still a good one in me. But we are on the DE/GC road right now and it's good. But I wish you the best of luck in your next steps and I hope you keep blogging about it.

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  16. Hey - glad to see you're back. Sorry to hear about this latest WTF meeting. Your Dr. sounds like he blows. and it makes me doubt his opinion, honestly. Is there anyway you can get to NYC (Cornell) or Denver (CCRM) for another opinion? I know you've seen many drs before this. I just hate to see you give up when it seems like he didn't even know who you were and then just came up with something quickly so he could get out the door.

    I wouldn't say that I've moved on. I am pregnant - for today at least. But that doesn't eradicate any of my feelings as an IFer. I'm just as terrified, convinced we're headed for m/c #5, etc., as ever. Grateful too of course. FWIW, two doctors told me I had little chance with my own eggs and we've gotten pregnant twice since then...of course if we never get a live baby then maybe they have a point, but I guess I'm just saying everybody is guessing and don't really know. If you're making eggs that fertilize when you cycle, I still think you've got a shot if you want it.

    Thinking of you and so glad to see your post!

    Mo

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  17. I can but think you need another opinion, not from me but from a doctor. Regardless at least a more thoughtful doctor. Best of luck in your next move, infertility is so heartbreaking but sometimes the silver lining does happen....

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  18. Glad to see your post ~ I am sorry for that RE's insensitivity to you, what an ass. It really makes me wonder, do they see us as people or just $$$$????

    Just know that you are not alone! Many of us are still here dealing with the hopelessness, helplessness and the like....and sometimes we just need a break from blogosphere to gather ourselves and absorb ourselves in other things....but know that there will be people here when you're ready...in a similiar situation, who can relate.....thinking of you.

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  19. So good to see an update from you! I haven't been living in the blog world much for awhile either and did go private for 1 post. LOL. I'm still around too - no pregnancy, no plans for one, just still drifting a bit.

    What a whirlwind of a move! To fix up, sell, buy, and move in a month is amazing. Congrats on the new digs!

    I don't even know what to say about your RE. I would most definitely write a letter to his clinic about the kind of care and treatment you received. That is unacceptable on so many levels. I am so sorry for his actions and so sorry for what he said. I'll be standing by with support for whatever your next step is. Many hugs...

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  20. I'm sorry to be posting a response so late but I wanted to make sure that I didn't rush my response to you and I didn't know if you wanted to hear from me.

    I haven't forgotten what it is like, to be one of the last ones standing. To have been so dedicated, to have been so determined, to do everything that you could possibly do to get to your goal, to have had the right attitude...only to have this part of your story end in such heartbreak.

    It stinks. It sucks. There is no ifs, ands or buts about it but I admire your strength throughout all of this and your own self knowledge about what it is that you know you are willing to do next. Sometimes that is half the battle because indecision can tie you up for a long time.

    You know I know your Dr. here and I have had personal experience with his WTF meeting when he flipped through my chart in much the same way he flipped through yours. I figure, you kept me waiting for 3 hours, what's another 5 minutes so you can familiarize yourself with my case again??? He also told me that I had no chance with my own eggs and that I should consider doing donor egg. Something in me though was not ready to let go yet. I personally now in hindsight believe that the high doses he put me on (750 units/day at least) fried my eggs and I did much, much better on a max dose of 450 units a day. But that's me and I, like Sue, refused to believe what he was telling me and sought out the health care provider that was willing to work with me and my goals.

    I'll still be following along with your story and if you every want to talk, feel free to e-mail me. If you feel that you need someone else to talk to in a more professional capacity, I would highly recommend doing some fertility hypnotherapy with Lynsi Eastburn (she can do it over the phone as she did with me). If nothing else, it may help you to process your feelings and figure out how you want to move forward. I'll still be following along, lurking in the background if you prefer. I think about you a lot and I wish that your path becomes a little clearer and that your road not so bumpy.

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  21. It's the middle of September, I just found this post. I am so sorry all that you have been through, and wish nothing but the best for you. Where ever you are now, I'm thinking about you.

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  22. I'm sorry you are going through all of that. I totally get feeling left behind, as we do too. And the needing a break from it all. And DH not being able to deal w/it at the moment. And time no longer mattering. And, and, and.

    What I can't relate to, though, is your doctor! He sounds like a complete jerk. What a horrible appointment you and G had to endure, particularly when it was supposed to bring at least a little bit of an answer and/or closure.

    I hope you've had a peaceful couple of months and that your hearts are slowly but surely starting to recover a little bit. I know it's probably far too early to say "heal".

    Hugs,
    Rebecca

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  23. Hello, How are you doing? I am thinking of you. (((Hugs))) Alicia

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  24. Are you still here? You are thought of, you know. I hope that things are becoming clearer and you're figuring out what next steps to take. And feeling centered in the process, in being right where you are right now.

    warmly,

    Mo

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  25. Don't give up! there is always CCRM

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  26. Hey there miss. I have been out and quiet for a year myself. After 4 failed ivfs, a natural miscarriage last fall, i finally went to donor egg at ccrm. it may have just worked. just checking in on you.

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