What a difference a day can make.
Thanks to all of you amazing women whose words of identification and HOPE cleared away so much of the darkness I felt yesterday. I have read those words over and over and attribute much of my change in perspective to the power of a community bonded by the cement of understanding, compassion and love. You all rock.
I also believe that every time we go through the roller coaster of hope/waiting/disappointment we go through a cycle of the grieving process that that what's-his-face guy coined, Ed somethin'? (what a dumby) and I am amazed, yet again at how quickly I go from the numbness of denial, to the fierce anger to the intense sadness and the land, somehow, on the feet of acceptance.
This happened all in a 24hour span??
Don't hear me say that I didn't have the shooting pain of sadness course my veins momentarily as I sat with a pg. friend last night at a birthday dinner...but, it surprisingly did not last. I didn't plaster the usual forced smile, you know the one- where you consciously tell the muscles on either corner to ignore the downward pull??!!! I actually spoke to her about her upcoming move to a family neighbourhood and was, um, strangely happy for her????? Huh?
Somehow after my 'release' to you guys, my women's group that I go to on living a spiritual life (where we are studying Tolle's The Power of Now) I actually got in my car, cranked the tunes and was peaceful, happy, and hopeful.
Not gonna analyze it, just going to take it and runnnnnnnn.
Thanks, yet again.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Tidal Wave
I have been pulled under by the tide of a giant tidal wave.
I am slammed against the bottom of the ocean floor, and the wind is knocked out of me.
I do not know which way is up.
I am tired and start to panic.
The terrorizing thought that this may be it fills my body with pain.
It is a nightmare.
I want to wake up, because, right now, I don't have the strength to swim.
To others, this may sound dramatic or self-piteous.
I assure you, it is.
You see, just for today, the optimism 'pot' runneth dry.
I guess it has runneth over for some time now...or maybe that was the wishful thinking pot???
But for me, a person who spends most of her time telling others that life is beautiful and worth living, I, today, am needing to release these feelings somewhere. Anywhere. Here.
I have not left my kitchen all morning. Reading about others who know how I feel, and those who have moved on, allows me to feel what is really going on inside. You guys (even dear R. who has just bought a front row seat to our show, and has had her own hardship in her own life) understand how truly daunting the idea that the most primal instinct to procreate may be being denied is.
Yesterday, when I heard the news, I had a moment where I doubted Gods existed. Where I shouted out that familiar old idea, that there couldn't possibly be a God who is this cruel. I swore that this would be the end of my believing, praying, hoping, dreaming, optimism...
What I was really saying was that I want the pain to end. I want a break from the heartache and disappointment. I want to hear a yes, instead of always hearing a no.
The swearing doesn't last long. I know those old ideas are not reality for I was given that Knowledge, many years ago as I lay on the maternity ward for two weeks following our first ectopic pregnancy that almost killed me, that this was not God punishing me. That this problem was scientific. His Grace carried me through that time, as I heard the calls, over the intercom, for the new mothers to come for the breastfeeding classes, while I lay, empty-wombed...I would never have survived that time if I believed that somehow they were 'blessed' and I was being punished.
I was given that same reassurance as I lost my best friend (age 24), father (at age 53) and stepmother (age 52) of cancer. It was not that God had "thought it was their time to leave the planet"- that is an old idea. It was scientific. A problem in the human realm, not the spiritual.
All of that said, G & I are so grateful to have met someone so moved by our plight that they would actually jump in with us to try and help. We will always be grateful for R and want her to know that.
The pain I feel is just the time ticking, the life altering pain that we, as a couple, are experiencing and the utter disbelief that we are still here. We both feel like fish out of water. That something drastic needs to change, and that this sadness must give way soon or it will kill us.
We have aged. G looks different now, so do I. This has stolen something from us. We have been overwhelmed and are 'hitting the mat' and both shouting "I Give"!!!!!!
The lesson cannot be that Life is Unfair. I got that one long ago (like many of you). The lesson cannot be patience, I think we have proven that we have that. The lesson can't be perseverance, humility or keeping faith. You can't move onto surrogacy without possessing those three attributes to some degree.
Is the lesson that we are not meant to be parents?
I don't know if that is a lesson I am prepared to learn, thanks...
Help.
I am slammed against the bottom of the ocean floor, and the wind is knocked out of me.
I do not know which way is up.
I am tired and start to panic.
The terrorizing thought that this may be it fills my body with pain.
It is a nightmare.
I want to wake up, because, right now, I don't have the strength to swim.
To others, this may sound dramatic or self-piteous.
I assure you, it is.
You see, just for today, the optimism 'pot' runneth dry.
I guess it has runneth over for some time now...or maybe that was the wishful thinking pot???
But for me, a person who spends most of her time telling others that life is beautiful and worth living, I, today, am needing to release these feelings somewhere. Anywhere. Here.
I have not left my kitchen all morning. Reading about others who know how I feel, and those who have moved on, allows me to feel what is really going on inside. You guys (even dear R. who has just bought a front row seat to our show, and has had her own hardship in her own life) understand how truly daunting the idea that the most primal instinct to procreate may be being denied is.
Yesterday, when I heard the news, I had a moment where I doubted Gods existed. Where I shouted out that familiar old idea, that there couldn't possibly be a God who is this cruel. I swore that this would be the end of my believing, praying, hoping, dreaming, optimism...
What I was really saying was that I want the pain to end. I want a break from the heartache and disappointment. I want to hear a yes, instead of always hearing a no.
The swearing doesn't last long. I know those old ideas are not reality for I was given that Knowledge, many years ago as I lay on the maternity ward for two weeks following our first ectopic pregnancy that almost killed me, that this was not God punishing me. That this problem was scientific. His Grace carried me through that time, as I heard the calls, over the intercom, for the new mothers to come for the breastfeeding classes, while I lay, empty-wombed...I would never have survived that time if I believed that somehow they were 'blessed' and I was being punished.
I was given that same reassurance as I lost my best friend (age 24), father (at age 53) and stepmother (age 52) of cancer. It was not that God had "thought it was their time to leave the planet"- that is an old idea. It was scientific. A problem in the human realm, not the spiritual.
All of that said, G & I are so grateful to have met someone so moved by our plight that they would actually jump in with us to try and help. We will always be grateful for R and want her to know that.
The pain I feel is just the time ticking, the life altering pain that we, as a couple, are experiencing and the utter disbelief that we are still here. We both feel like fish out of water. That something drastic needs to change, and that this sadness must give way soon or it will kill us.
We have aged. G looks different now, so do I. This has stolen something from us. We have been overwhelmed and are 'hitting the mat' and both shouting "I Give"!!!!!!
The lesson cannot be that Life is Unfair. I got that one long ago (like many of you). The lesson cannot be patience, I think we have proven that we have that. The lesson can't be perseverance, humility or keeping faith. You can't move onto surrogacy without possessing those three attributes to some degree.
Is the lesson that we are not meant to be parents?
I don't know if that is a lesson I am prepared to learn, thanks...
Help.
Monday, April 13, 2009
cOuch
Sneaking an update, mainly for R.
Today we got the call while we stopped into the Brick to look for cheap appliances, to help in the sale of our house. While there, I was also looking at the couches that were on sale for R. She is looking for one, and I was secretly sure that she would need it for the bedrest she would be on from the twins...
Sitting on a couch in the Brick (of all places), G & I held hands as we picked up the message.
I could tell from the way the nurse said 'Hello" what the outcome was.
But this is R's first experience of the pain and sadness associated with a phone call telling you that the beta is negative, to stop all medication and...and what exactly???
We, sadly, know this all too well. Too many times to count or fathom.
When will I learn. Obviously there is some lesson I am to learn.
For now, all I can say, on behalf of a Team Baby who gave it their all is:
a punching-fist-through-wall angry & extremely broken-hearted: Ouch.
Today we got the call while we stopped into the Brick to look for cheap appliances, to help in the sale of our house. While there, I was also looking at the couches that were on sale for R. She is looking for one, and I was secretly sure that she would need it for the bedrest she would be on from the twins...
Sitting on a couch in the Brick (of all places), G & I held hands as we picked up the message.
I could tell from the way the nurse said 'Hello" what the outcome was.
But this is R's first experience of the pain and sadness associated with a phone call telling you that the beta is negative, to stop all medication and...and what exactly???
We, sadly, know this all too well. Too many times to count or fathom.
When will I learn. Obviously there is some lesson I am to learn.
For now, all I can say, on behalf of a Team Baby who gave it their all is:
a punching-fist-through-wall angry & extremely broken-hearted: Ouch.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Team Baby 10dp3dt
Just a few words, a little update with the sole purpose of getting support...
R is doing great-full of hormones and hit-by-a-train tired...I pray that the little ones are the cause of her havoc!
G & I have, for the most part, had a real peace & hopefulness (although the nerves kicked in for both of us yesterday) and because R is doing all the hard work at this point, I am able to jump into the renos around here sans fear which has really averted my mind from the usual 2ww obsessing.
On the great PAOS debate: jury is still out deliberating. R is starting to get why waiting makes sense, she sees the roller coaster that testing too early could bring...At this point, she has our support (and the stockpile o' sticks) to pee at will...Yeaowwww-gulp.
This weekend is Easter. The Miracle of all Miracles (capitol 'M' miracle!!!) and Team Baby is hoping for a little one (s) ourselves.
Thank you guys, thank you R...
R is doing great-full of hormones and hit-by-a-train tired...I pray that the little ones are the cause of her havoc!
G & I have, for the most part, had a real peace & hopefulness (although the nerves kicked in for both of us yesterday) and because R is doing all the hard work at this point, I am able to jump into the renos around here sans fear which has really averted my mind from the usual 2ww obsessing.
On the great PAOS debate: jury is still out deliberating. R is starting to get why waiting makes sense, she sees the roller coaster that testing too early could bring...At this point, she has our support (and the stockpile o' sticks) to pee at will...Yeaowwww-gulp.
This weekend is Easter. The Miracle of all Miracles (capitol 'M' miracle!!!) and Team Baby is hoping for a little one (s) ourselves.
Thank you guys, thank you R...
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