We Held Hopeful Hands

Monday March 30th, 2009













Hi guys!!! Thanks for all your kind words of encouragement for Team Baby! You are all official members of the team and were with us yesterday...

There seems to be a whole lot of people hoping & helping our dreams come true.

There is of course the awesomely courageous R (applause), Dr. Garfield (I mean Dr. L), the favourite technician who made sure she came in to help with the transfer, my mom & SIL who went into her church to beg, plead & light candles, the lawyers who worked their butts off to get everything done, Duck who has helped me personally with my new role of IM, all of the people on R's side of the team who are helping her be on bedrest (cleaning, cooking, taking care of her cats, you name it!) and you & all the other people who tell me that we are in their thoughts & prayers...

I have a sense that we are a village, and boy, it seems to take a village for us...

Yesterday, after an excruciating wait (kayjay, Dr. L was about an hour late!!) for R's very full blatter (she had to do the tough task of a half-cup-pee 3 times!!!!!!) we ushered ourselves into the transfer room. It was a packed room indeed! We (G&R&I) held hopeful hands as we saw the picture of our three (they all woke up!!) gorgeous embryos. For some reason, they all looked stunning to us, if we do say so ourselves! We all welled up as we saw them go into R's safe and cozy womb. Cheers and tears all around.

After a 'pit stop' for R's first, hopefully of many, cravings- a charcoal pit burger at the, ummm, well 'Charcoal Pit Burger', we dropped her off to put her feet up and enjoy being PUPO.


It took all of about 5 mins for G & me to pass out when we got home. He, yet again, showed his quiet strength today- all the emotions that go along with what we have gone through and he is still 'in it to win it', and by my (now, with R, OUR) side. I want to see his faith lead him to a
big ol smile one day soon.

We are hopeful, overwhelmed, realistic (that has come unfortunately over the years), grateful, excited and exhausted.

Nestle in little ones. You are safe, longed for and loved- by a whole village.

Wow.

Ok, because my life has been crazy and there is no time to really post...

We will be transferring to our surrogate R, Monday morning.

It all seems quite surreal.

I will post after the transfer with all the details...

We need your prayers: R, G&me and our three embryos...

Yeowww!!

Go Team Baby...

Great Eggspectations

Gather round, bring a blanket, I am going to tell you about my week so far, and what a week it has been...

This will be interesting (I am not saying that like the guy who says, 'this is going to be funny' right before telling a really bad joke) I am merely saying that life has been wild lately, and when I sit down to blog I have no idea how that is going to translate. So it's more of a, here goes nothing...

Since last week we have been running in the 'Lawyer Marathon'. Truly an intense interchange between our lawyer (who basically writes the contract adding our specifics) and us; us and R.;

R. and her lawyer (who we scrambled and found Monday after poor R's backed out Sat, knowing that we had to be done wed!!!!!!! thanks God!!!) our lawyer and R's (put up yer dukes) and all finally culminating in a lot of initialling and signing and relief that this part is over.

Let's just say that running a marathon is hell (btdt have the bad knees to prove it) and introducing lawyers into the marathon of IF is even more horrendous. It is not 'Lawyers' fault (I actually loved both of ours and am so grateful they spent the better part of their lives over the last week getting this done in time to cycle...) it is just that the reality of talking about the possible worst case scenarios/risks and horrible possibilities (I got a whole bunch more now to add to the ones I already have experienced or feared!!) is not the stuff you want to be thinking about as you head into such a wonderful, exciting new horizon!!!!!

All in all, R and I were soldiers and despite a few bombs that landed a little close for comfort at times, I think we banded together and did Team Baby proud.

We signed our baby contract on March 18Th.

Lawyer, and the guy from the IT firm next door who she got to be my witness, were both Chinese. They were so thrilled that we were signing on that day. They explained to me, very excitedly, that the number was one of the most fortunate numbers in the Chinese New Year.

One symbolises a fortune that is definitely coming, and eight symbolises Life. Their excitement and story really touched me, especially as he explained it to me having no idea what kind of contract he was witnessing me sign and she watched on with a huge smile.

March 18 was also R's CD2 and our baseline visit to the clinic. And they're off!!!!!!

This was R's introduction into the early morning trek, (we are still drinking coffee thank goodness, that is going to be done soon and I will give it up with her out of sympathy) to the clinic, the sign in, wait, bloods, wait, u/s, wait, doc apt, wait...you gals know the drill.

She also started her estrace ( I have a picture of the first dose from the food court in the Eaton's Centre, now that is surreal...)

My doctor is slowly becoming my newest hero in a long line of heroes. Check this out.

After the green light we finish our first visit with the always fun "time to pay" routine. After a quick talk they hand me the breakdown of my payment for the cycle and it is double what the price sheet that they gave me at the consult 4 weeks earlier!!!!! Double.

sound of crickets.

Gulp, OK, "Do you think I could talk to someone about this???" comes out, instead of what would have come out in the past at all the other times I got hit with something I didn't understand, for fear that they would not like me and therefore not try really hard to help me. How foolish I have been.

Two minutes later Dr. L comes in and three minutes later he is saying,

"Don't worry, we'll honour the original price, I just want you to have a baby."
I love you Dr. L. THANK YOU.

After that is was some fun. Bra shopping to be exact. Her beautiful bountiful girls and my little buds. One (brassiere) looked like the real deal and mine, well, do you remember training bras? Yeah, well, I never graduated...

This post doesn't do justice to the highs and bumps and twists and turns in my week, but suffice it to say, this one won't be forgotten.

Tomorrow is the first day of spring. Natures mating season. We are mating I suppose, but just in a slightly unconventional sense and I have never been more hopeful.

Here is a picture of the sign that caught both our eyes and made us giggle, as we headed home that day. Great Eggspectations.


As for my other hero G., well he was feeling a little out of the loop. (anyone who is
working an average of 80hours a week might feel this, but esp. as all this big stuff is happening) That is, untill today when he got to sign the contract too. If I knew where the heart symbol was on my keyboard I would insert here. I heart him.


Most importantly,
To all those out there reading this, please pause right now and say a quiet or loud prayer for: Duck, Mr Duck, Suro and her family, P, Niki,and Mr. Niki, K and her family and all their little ones. We are thinking of you all right now.
Peace ladies.

Not Alone

Oh crap. They came back.
Not for long, but they came back none the less.

They came back to try and wreck the awesome new hope that has been with me (still is for the most part) as of late. They came back like unwelcome, yet familiar, creeps who steal and bully and really know how to wreck a party.

I know you guys know what I am talking about, I know they visited some of you guys too this weekend...

G. & I have a really great group of friends- we are five couples, pretty close in age and length of marriage. We are all pretty similar in so many ways, except one glaring difference, the other couples all either have two children (yes, a boy and a girl...) and the one couple who have a boy (our godson) is now trying for their second.

I know this because on Saturday night we had, yet another, bday party for one of their children and our friend was telling us (women) how frustrated she was that after 4 months of trying, she still wasn't pregnant. The others (including me) gave her the usual "oh, don't worry, take a holiday, relax, blah, blah, blah..."Some chimed in with the ever popular, "not me, just get that thing near me and I am knocked up"...blah, blah, blah...fuckin blah.

At some point, she did say she "felt guilty talking like this in front of me" (thanks) but that "she was an impatient person" and somehow that this made it more difficult for her.?!!?

Then, stomach clenched, G & I watched as they gathered up their children, put them in their pajamas for the ride home, gave out the loot bags (no loot bag here) and picked them up in their arms to head home.

By the time I got in the car, I didn't have anything bundled up in my arms, but I sure had a bunch of bullies on my fuckin back. They sat in the back seat of our car and taunted me:
"Still none for you eh?? Year after year, you guys get to go home alone, yup, to your quiet house, empty room that you foolishly still call the 'babies room'?? Ha!! How old would they be now?? Four and three?"

Needless to say, we started our ride just listening to them in silence. Then G. broke it by saying he knew it wasn't easy, but that they (our friends, not the gremlins in the back) loved us, and wanted the best for us. He went on to say that he was truly worried about me-my pain- and felt that at times, I suffered quietly, not wanting to let anyone know how depressed I might be.

I don't think I am any more depressed than anyone would be who had grieved the losses that we have had over the last 4 years.
I do not think I am any more depressed than anyone would be who longed for something at such a deep level that they couldn't imagine living without it.
I do not think I am more depressed than anyone who had given up their career in hopes of giving her "all" to achieve something that still eluded her.
I am no more depressed than would be cured by two pink lines on a pee test (mine or R's!!!)

I felt such an emotional hangover after Saturday's party that made me want to sleep forever.

Instead, I got up, prayed for our friend to have all that she dreamed of, meditated on Gods abundance and tried to remember all the possibilities that lay ahead of us.

R. reminded me of those possibilities Sunday as she read me her fortune cookie from the night before:
"Good News is Coming Your Way."

Perhaps she was reading this message as the gremlins were trying to make me buy their's.

To all those who got "the visit" this weekend: You are Not Alone.
I will be with you and as I remind you that although our pain is real, the hopelessness is not, I will be reminding myself the same thing.
It just isn't. It is like believing the sun doesn't exsist on a cloudy day. The sun does exsist, I just can't see it. But I know that if I took a plane above the clouds, there it would be. Shining bright.

There, thanks.
I am back.
Operation Happiness continues.

Three Butterflies

Hey Sisters!!!!!


Just a wee post to accept my, ahem, (I'm getting vahklempt -aka mike meyers) "Sisterhood Award"!!!


"First off, I'd like to thank my parents..."
Uh, oh, wrong acceptance speech.

First, I will thank Nikki (whose uteral lining I will be visualizing and encourage you all to do the same till monday) for the honour-I have never been officially part of a sisterhood (someone who used to not trust women) so it is an honour to be part of this sisterhood. Although it is definitely not the club you want to be in, but if I'm in it, I'm glad you guys are here with me.

That means at all stages of the Sisterhood- some throwing up the white flag, some just starting down the road, some mid cycle and worried, others mid cycle and excited. Even those who are cautiously happy with fresh news of a bfp, or those who just found out they will be having a little girl...
I don't think it is a fellowship you ever leave, babies and all.

In the news:

Met our lawyer yesterday-we'll call her... Lawyer. She's cool. I found myself trying to talk her down in price if I referred her to people I meet??!! What's up with me?? I guess the financial reality of this process has brought out my inner-barter-er. Doesn't hurt to ask?!

Also, got the green light on all our tests from the clinic. Tick another box please.

And our three little embryos were safely transferred today by Cryo-Labs, not Fed-Ex (we just couldn't bear that...) to their new, very temporary home. Our old clinic actually, get this ladies, paid for the shipping??!! Hey, may be a mere $200 but, dang, I'll take that...


Lastly, please perruse (sp?) my new lovely pic on the side board.

It is of R & Me today. For Anonymities sake, I am disguised as a pig and she is, very appropriately, a rabbit.

We went to the farmers market in the town she lives in. We bought organic chicken, fresh spinach, omega fatty acids ( for her) and two, teeny-weeny little baby onesies...one for her to keep and the other for me. I thought one was plain and the other covered in butterflies, but when I opened it up to take mine home, the other was indeed not plain.


It had three little butterflies on the front.

Hmmmm-three embryos, three butterflies... In any case, it now is neatly folded in the box that a friend of mine gave me that sits on my dresser. The inside of the box says, "When your head starts to worry and your mind just can't rest, put your thoughts down on paper and let God do the rest..." Ok, I am down with that.
Well, not down on paper, but a teeny-tiny-onesie with three little butterflies on it, says it all.

Ok, now to pass on the award to some of my deserving sisters...

In no particular order...The Nominees are:


R. @ Gestational Carrier to Be
Sue @ A Good Egg
KayJay@ A Miracle to Come
Fashionista @ Chronicless of an IF Fashionista
Duck @ The Ducks Big 'Ol Blog
Niki @ My Journey to Myles and Beyond
Bunny @ Bugaboo Envy
Emily @ What to Expect...
Angie @ TTC

PS. I have no idea how to make these actual links like you smarty pants do...