Monday, March 9, 2009

Not Alone

Oh crap. They came back.
Not for long, but they came back none the less.

They came back to try and wreck the awesome new hope that has been with me (still is for the most part) as of late. They came back like unwelcome, yet familiar, creeps who steal and bully and really know how to wreck a party.

I know you guys know what I am talking about, I know they visited some of you guys too this weekend...

G. & I have a really great group of friends- we are five couples, pretty close in age and length of marriage. We are all pretty similar in so many ways, except one glaring difference, the other couples all either have two children (yes, a boy and a girl...) and the one couple who have a boy (our godson) is now trying for their second.

I know this because on Saturday night we had, yet another, bday party for one of their children and our friend was telling us (women) how frustrated she was that after 4 months of trying, she still wasn't pregnant. The others (including me) gave her the usual "oh, don't worry, take a holiday, relax, blah, blah, blah..."Some chimed in with the ever popular, "not me, just get that thing near me and I am knocked up"...blah, blah, blah...fuckin blah.

At some point, she did say she "felt guilty talking like this in front of me" (thanks) but that "she was an impatient person" and somehow that this made it more difficult for her.?!!?

Then, stomach clenched, G & I watched as they gathered up their children, put them in their pajamas for the ride home, gave out the loot bags (no loot bag here) and picked them up in their arms to head home.

By the time I got in the car, I didn't have anything bundled up in my arms, but I sure had a bunch of bullies on my fuckin back. They sat in the back seat of our car and taunted me:
"Still none for you eh?? Year after year, you guys get to go home alone, yup, to your quiet house, empty room that you foolishly still call the 'babies room'?? Ha!! How old would they be now?? Four and three?"

Needless to say, we started our ride just listening to them in silence. Then G. broke it by saying he knew it wasn't easy, but that they (our friends, not the gremlins in the back) loved us, and wanted the best for us. He went on to say that he was truly worried about me-my pain- and felt that at times, I suffered quietly, not wanting to let anyone know how depressed I might be.

I don't think I am any more depressed than anyone would be who had grieved the losses that we have had over the last 4 years.
I do not think I am any more depressed than anyone would be who longed for something at such a deep level that they couldn't imagine living without it.
I do not think I am more depressed than anyone who had given up their career in hopes of giving her "all" to achieve something that still eluded her.
I am no more depressed than would be cured by two pink lines on a pee test (mine or R's!!!)

I felt such an emotional hangover after Saturday's party that made me want to sleep forever.

Instead, I got up, prayed for our friend to have all that she dreamed of, meditated on Gods abundance and tried to remember all the possibilities that lay ahead of us.

R. reminded me of those possibilities Sunday as she read me her fortune cookie from the night before:
"Good News is Coming Your Way."

Perhaps she was reading this message as the gremlins were trying to make me buy their's.

To all those who got "the visit" this weekend: You are Not Alone.
I will be with you and as I remind you that although our pain is real, the hopelessness is not, I will be reminding myself the same thing.
It just isn't. It is like believing the sun doesn't exsist on a cloudy day. The sun does exsist, I just can't see it. But I know that if I took a plane above the clouds, there it would be. Shining bright.

There, thanks.
I am back.
Operation Happiness continues.


  1. I feel so bad for you as I read this post...I'm crying again. Don't worry "sunshine" you'll have yours soon. I am willing to try for as long as you are...just think on this...aprox. 10 days and we'll be back at the dr.'s office.

  2. Oh yuck. I hate when they find you. But, they are always there...kind of lurking...even during my own version of "operation happiness" which I term, "finally able to have a drink, some chocolate, and sex". But, there they are. I'm sorry you have to experience this. My goal this year was to try to be pregnant by the time my next due date arrives (this would have been number 3) and now it looks like that might not even happen. So, I feel you in this post. I wish we didn't all have to feel this way at some point...and for some of us, for so long. Hugs.

  3. First, you guys look like f-ing movie stars in your wedding photos.

    I'm sorry you had a bad weekend. I hope your week is turning around better than mine!

  4. I never cease to be amazed at the things people say. My best friend in the world called me in a panic last year, two weeks after my miscarriage and said, I shit you not, "I'm asking because you're the expert. I had unprotected sex and I'm so scared I'm pregnant, now what day does your cyle actually start?" Silence. There's really nothing you can do about the insensitivity of others except relish those dear friends you do have who just get it.

  5. I am familiar with them and I hope that yours take a long walk off a short pier soon!!
    The sunshine is most definitely there, but sometimes it takes a whole lot to see it. We needed a lot of help to see it too. That's why someone like R has come into your life - to help part the clouds and let the sunshine through! Hoping you see that sunshine very soon!

  6. I am so sorry you had a tough weekend. The gremlins are always there, just sometimes they are louder and more evil than others. Wishing you peace & a happy ending!

  7. Ouch. I hate the gremlins. ((Hugs))
    You have a way with words. :)

  8. I hate to have to get to "know" you this way! I just had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy (at the beginning of the year) and definitely have the fear that I will have another and other fertility problems. Thank you for deciding to share your story.

    I love y'alls "Operation Happiness" - sometimes it really helps to think of all the good in our lives (because it is so easy to get focused on the not so good!!!) I want to get more active in creating our happiness - what a Fab idea!

  9. I'm sorry for the tough weekend. We, too, are basically surrounded by fertile couple friends and sometimes I can scarcely believe WE are the ones childless. I'm glad Operation Happiness is back in full swing!

  10. This is my first time reading your blog and I have to say that your blog resonated with me in an amazing way. In the first couple of years I grieved openly, but the last two I just sink into myself and deal with it silently. I am tired of talking about it, I am tired of thinking about it but I just can't get away from it. BTW all of our friends have at least 1 and are either trying or pregnant with #2. Good times!

  11. Geez. "she 'felt guilty talking like this in front of me.'" Then don't!!! I don't understand people. I think it's selfish of people to say stuff like that. I have one of those in my life and am having a harder and harder time being around her... :(

    and I agree... Your wedding photo is gorgeous. :)

  12. Just catching up and was sorry to read your post. Yes, those gremlins are hard to escape sometimes and we all have fallen victim at one time or another. But it was so funny (in an ironic kind of way) that I have often thought about sunshine the same way given our frequent flights in the past few months to Denver. I always marvel at how the sky is so blue and the sun is so bright above the clouds. Somewhere, the sun IS shining and you just have to know where to look and when you can't see it, you have to believe and know that it is there and that you will see it again someday. HUGS - all my friends have children too.

  13. you are right, those gremilns are always there ready to pounce.... and it is up to us to push them back and stomp out their negativity. no wonder this whole journey is so exhausting.

    hope you have had happier days since writing.

  14. Wow, it's like you know EXACTLY what I go through at events. Ppl just don't "get it". My bff got pregnant her second cycle ever trying and for that one month she didn't get pregnant it was the end of the world for her and now she's completely forgotten that moment of realization when you're not pregnant and left me behind without empathy.

  15. I feel your pain, sweetie. Glad you were able to kick them to the curb and continue on operation happiness.

    Others who haven't really been here will never get it. When my BFF told me she was pg with #2 last year, she followed it up with "But this one took us awhile". I think she forgot that she was still pg with #1 when we started trying.......

  16. I come to you through Yaya's blog.

    Although I can't relate to your fertility issues I wanted you to know that I'm sorry for all the pain you've had to endure on this journey! I have faith good things are coming your way.

  17. Thank you for the lovely comments you have left on my blog. Your paragraph on being "no more depressed than" is truly eloquent. You are brave to keep fighting. Each person grieves in their own way. There is no "right" way to be/live/grieve after all these losses you have suffered. Just getting up each morning is an accomplishment when you're infertile, doing more than that is gravy. (HUG)