Oh the things they are a changin...
I tell you, I don't know why, but I feel as though things are well, different. Good different.
Here are a few reasons I can attribute to this new found energy, this teeny-tiny-wee mustard seed of expectancy:
First, connecting with you lot. I just spent hours going back in your blogs, reading your journeys and marvelling at the feeling I am reading words/thoughts/ feelings that could have been written by me (if I could write as poetically as you all can, that is). Weather you are talking about the dreaded social event where you fear the inevitable-kick-you-in your gut-announcement of someone else's good news; the loss of our basic instinct to know what to eat/not eat, do acupuncture/don't do acupuncture, take this drug/go to a naturopath; or the testing of your faith in God after our prayers seem to go unanswered; the feeling like the rest of the world is growing and moving forward while we are still waiting; the mental teeter-totter of trying to keep hope alive and not let the past rob our promise during, yet another, 2ww.
Or what it feels like to make a decision to have a final round and live with whatever comes no regrets.
Your strength amazes me.
Next, there are the amazing women willing to go through this with us-I'm talking about the surrogates like our R.-women willing to put their bodies, hearts and lives through this process with us that they might help make our dreams come true. That is awesome.
That brings me to the third component to this change in outlook: our appointment Friday with, what we are now calling 'Team Baby': me, G (dh), R (gc) and Dr. L (aka Dr. Garfield- I am serious this guy makes me smile just thinking about him-Garfield in a lab coat! I hope our ET doesn't fall on a Monday-Garfield hated Mondays.) It was wild.
This appointment lasted four 1/2hours?!! On a Friday night, Dr. L and his staff stayed for us from 330 until 8pm??!!! I have never had a doctor take that much time, or even care to be as thorough as they were. It kinda blew our minds. I am sure it blew the staffs minds as well, who I am sure had better things to do on a Friday night, although they never made us feel that way.
And despite my inner pessimest (who has turned into a real downer during this procees) that tells me this is big business, it seemed as though they actually cared.
R,G and I had to first meet with the dreaded psychologist, which for R & I seemed pretty daunting. The thought that some doc meeting us for an hour could hold the power to grant us permission to go ahead with what we felt was meant to be? Yowser, that one would do a number on anyone. Turns out G. was right (this is Canada after all, the most liberal laws in the world) this appointment was much more about their liability than weather or not we were all 'sane' enough to be IM and GC's. She was great, gave us good advise and an hour later, her blessing.
Next there was the physical stuff for R and a sit down for us with Dr. L. He was incredibly thorough and confirmed what I already knew to be true. There should have been no doubt that my tubes needed to be clipped or removed after the second hetrotopic and the fact that they did discover a large hydro meant that all of our previous chances had very little chance of success(and the crowd went mild!!! not an easy realization after 3 fresh and two fets).
He also saw many indicators for further immunology/dna testing (which my previous RE's did not 'believe' in) There was the history of thyroid issues on my mothers side (her,aunt,cousin, grandma) which, although my thyroid tests were always in normal range, should lead an RE to do autoimmune tests. I had asked my former re about this very thing, only to get the answer I always got which was "the evidence regarding this is inconclusive- everything with your cycle looks great- it's just been bad luck, lets keep going." Just like there was no 'evidence' of a hydro right?
Dr. L ordered a bunch of testing for both of us and then went over our history with a fine tooth comb, visibly frustrated by some of the decisions his medical colleagues had made along the way.
Then my physical followed ( I apparently have a beautiful uterus) , bloods for all, another sit down with G & I going over our options; then Dr. L & R sit down alone to discuss things and then we all go in for a pow-wow and he goes over it all, actually seeming moved by R and her selfless gift to us.
And, four and a half hours later, "Team Baby" had formed.
We have decided to do a frozen embryo transfer with R. next month.
In the meantime, I have phoned the former clinic to arrange the shipping of our three precious 8,8 & 7 cell 3day embabies , only to find out that they ship them, get this, with FED EX.
OK, have you seen guys loading fed ex trucks? Imagine them tossing my little ones around like they are, oh i dunno, someones pricewater house cds for a penny???? Crap, I have wayyyyy too much information. This stuff just gets more wacky. I mean, think of the old fashioned way (first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage, and not always in that order) and then us: hundreds of shots in the belly & butt; Embryo Retrieval, ICSI, freeze, ship with the men-in-brown; thaw and then insert into my dear friends uterus. Can you hear the belly laughter? Aaahhhh, just like I dreamed as a little girl.
And yet, I am curious. I am curious to see if the different feeling I have these days is the feeling that I haven't had in a while. That I am right were I am supposed to be. That all we have gone through has lead us to this place. That everything is going to work out.
Thank you fellow women: some of you fighting hard for the family you believe in, some showing us what true strength is as they learn to accept, some sharing their miracles and happy endings.
Thank you R. for listening to your small quiet voice and having the courage to tell me about it that day in the coffee shop.
Thank you Dr. L for not worrying about yourself and asking us to book anther appointment at a more convenient time for you, but actually taking the time to listen and explain things that no one else had.
Thank you DH for staying on this path with me: lifting my snot-filled chin up after the other people's children's birthday party at Balls Of Fun; allowing me to lift your spirits after another person complains about their wife being knocked up again. But always knowing that when we look back at this time we will know that we gave it allll we had.
Oh and P.S: Bunny and Tiff, tried to post, but the word verification was kaput. I'll check back soon. And also a request to all, but esp. surro-people to go to R's blog (Gestational Surrogate To Be link on my sidebar) to lend support/give advise, you know...thnx.