Operation Happiness

Well, first of all- let's hear it for reading and getting support from you fellow bloggers...I gotta say, it takes it from the purely-obsessive-scouring-of-cyber-information to actually feeling not so alone in my seemingly impossible efforts to start our family...There is something strangely comforting in focusing my thoughts on your 2ww and hoping for your happy ending rather than solely on us. Thanks!

G & I had a great Valentines Day this year...I think (like many of you have expressed) it really is a day where we can focus on what we do have and that is each other. This whole process makes me aware of my sensitivity to other people's struggle. I do not want to be the hypocrite who complains about the shocking insensitivity of people to our infertility(oooohhh how clueless they can be) without regard for how, say the single person I am around might feel that I have found such a great man while their dream have yet to be realized.

The other reason Vday didn't blow this year is because G & I have declared 2009 'Operation Happiness'. While ushering in the New Year (and heading into the 5th year of fertility hell, almost our entire relationship) we woke up to the fact that much of our lives have been 'on hold'. We have been waiting for the stork to drop off 'happiness' in a little bundle while forfeiting the things that we love to do-trips, spontaneity, FUN...So, we decided- NO MORE- we are going to start living and actually try to enjoy living again. What a concept.

I think John Lennon said "life is what happens when your busy making other plans".

So, we have started looking for a new house back in Toronto. This place has not had the happiest of memories and the move to the burbs was mainly with the idea that it would be better to raise kids. The search, holding new possibilities, has given us a fresh focus.

We also had private dance lessons Saturday-what a blast! Salsa, rumba even the tango before a beautiful Japanese dinner at a restaurant we hadn't been to. Felt like a real date. We didn't talk about babies, or doctors or disappointments- we focused on each other. I highly recommend it.

Sunday we had to drop by a gift for our nephew (who we adore) who was having his 4th bday party today. Part of 'Operation Happiness' is that G & I have also started to not buy into the fact that we have to do or be anywhere where people are insensitive or who don't give a single thought to our life. Fuck it. We have swallowed hurt and put our feelings aside for too long and suffered the consequences for that. But with family it can be tough!!

There has been a bit of a divide with S&BIL because they initially had difficulty but got pregnant with first IVF, then a natural pregnancy and then decided to do an FET the same week as us (they of course got the BFP of their third child while we got the thrill of a chemical pregnancy!!!)

Our issue is not the fact that they have three children now and we are still looking for our first, it is really about the utter lack of caring about our feelings. When their FET baby was born (on our 4th wedding anniversary) they actually had us babysit all day and insisted we put t-shirts on that said "Big Brother Again" and "Big Sister"for our trip to the maternity ward for the birth, without even so much as a "is this ok for you guys??" And there is much more. The complaints to me about morning sickness and difficult deliveries. The endless discussions at family get togethers of baby names, potty training and how hard it is to juggle all these children.

I would give my left arm for that problem.

MIL refuses to acknowledge what we are going through because she wants to enjoy her grandchildren guilt-free. I don't blame her, so we just pretend everything is fine.

S&BIL also lay on the whole "God opened my womb" thing, implying (not-so-subtly) that somehow my infertility is Gods will. What, so God says "I'll Bless this one and leave this one out in the cold." Nope, not buying what your selling. I have always intuitively known (even though in frustrated moments may doubt) that my problem is on the scientific plain. That, of course God plays a role in what happens in my life (and I will never proclaim to be enlightened enough to figure that all out) but that He is not some puppeteer that withholds blessings for some to "teach them a lesson". Infertility is challenging enough without all this added confusion, thanks!

Anyway, a whole blog could be written about the dynamics that our infertility creates in our relationships, but the bottom line is we are going to , from now on, take care of ourselves. We will only do what we are able to emotionally. Fuck it. If they love us, they will understand.

That is why we said nothing at our families yesterday that when we left there we were going to have lunch with R. , our hopeful surrogate! Ha! To think of the field day they would have with that one!

Anyway, it was the first time G, R & I really talked details about this 'team' we were forming to hopefully usher in our baby. We, over the Indian Buffet, discussed the ins and outs- laughing over our things and misting up over the overwhelming possibilities at hand.

After G & I dropped of R we marveled at her honesty and surety of the inevitability of what we were embarking on. While we were interested in the emotional ramifications (ie. how she might feel at the end of the nine months etc.) her concerns where very practical (I'll need new bras) It was comforting. It made us realize that we should over-analyze less and go with the flow more.

As we fell asleep last night, we cuddled and thanked each other for the great Valentines weekend. Its not every weekend you learn the Rumba and take a person who may have your baby out for Indian.

So just before closing our eyes G. looked at me and said, "well, it's never dull!"
Ain't that the truth.

Friday R, G& I have our first appointment at the new clinic with the doc and the psychologist.

This, of course, has brought up some fears: "Wait-Are we actually sane??"
What qualifies sane in their eyes??!!

I welcome any insights/experiences that you guys may have with this part of the process...