Monday, February 16, 2009

Operation Happiness

Well, first of all- let's hear it for reading and getting support from you fellow bloggers...I gotta say, it takes it from the purely-obsessive-scouring-of-cyber-information to actually feeling not so alone in my seemingly impossible efforts to start our family...There is something strangely comforting in focusing my thoughts on your 2ww and hoping for your happy ending rather than solely on us. Thanks!

G & I had a great Valentines Day this year...I think (like many of you have expressed) it really is a day where we can focus on what we do have and that is each other. This whole process makes me aware of my sensitivity to other people's struggle. I do not want to be the hypocrite who complains about the shocking insensitivity of people to our infertility(oooohhh how clueless they can be) without regard for how, say the single person I am around might feel that I have found such a great man while their dream have yet to be realized.

The other reason Vday didn't blow this year is because G & I have declared 2009 'Operation Happiness'. While ushering in the New Year (and heading into the 5th year of fertility hell, almost our entire relationship) we woke up to the fact that much of our lives have been 'on hold'. We have been waiting for the stork to drop off 'happiness' in a little bundle while forfeiting the things that we love to do-trips, spontaneity, FUN...So, we decided- NO MORE- we are going to start living and actually try to enjoy living again. What a concept.

I think John Lennon said "life is what happens when your busy making other plans".

So, we have started looking for a new house back in Toronto. This place has not had the happiest of memories and the move to the burbs was mainly with the idea that it would be better to raise kids. The search, holding new possibilities, has given us a fresh focus.

We also had private dance lessons Saturday-what a blast! Salsa, rumba even the tango before a beautiful Japanese dinner at a restaurant we hadn't been to. Felt like a real date. We didn't talk about babies, or doctors or disappointments- we focused on each other. I highly recommend it.

Sunday we had to drop by a gift for our nephew (who we adore) who was having his 4th bday party today. Part of 'Operation Happiness' is that G & I have also started to not buy into the fact that we have to do or be anywhere where people are insensitive or who don't give a single thought to our life. Fuck it. We have swallowed hurt and put our feelings aside for too long and suffered the consequences for that. But with family it can be tough!!

There has been a bit of a divide with S&BIL because they initially had difficulty but got pregnant with first IVF, then a natural pregnancy and then decided to do an FET the same week as us (they of course got the BFP of their third child while we got the thrill of a chemical pregnancy!!!)

Our issue is not the fact that they have three children now and we are still looking for our first, it is really about the utter lack of caring about our feelings. When their FET baby was born (on our 4th wedding anniversary) they actually had us babysit all day and insisted we put t-shirts on that said "Big Brother Again" and "Big Sister"for our trip to the maternity ward for the birth, without even so much as a "is this ok for you guys??" And there is much more. The complaints to me about morning sickness and difficult deliveries. The endless discussions at family get togethers of baby names, potty training and how hard it is to juggle all these children.

I would give my left arm for that problem.

MIL refuses to acknowledge what we are going through because she wants to enjoy her grandchildren guilt-free. I don't blame her, so we just pretend everything is fine.

S&BIL also lay on the whole "God opened my womb" thing, implying (not-so-subtly) that somehow my infertility is Gods will. What, so God says "I'll Bless this one and leave this one out in the cold." Nope, not buying what your selling. I have always intuitively known (even though in frustrated moments may doubt) that my problem is on the scientific plain. That, of course God plays a role in what happens in my life (and I will never proclaim to be enlightened enough to figure that all out) but that He is not some puppeteer that withholds blessings for some to "teach them a lesson". Infertility is challenging enough without all this added confusion, thanks!

Anyway, a whole blog could be written about the dynamics that our infertility creates in our relationships, but the bottom line is we are going to , from now on, take care of ourselves. We will only do what we are able to emotionally. Fuck it. If they love us, they will understand.

That is why we said nothing at our families yesterday that when we left there we were going to have lunch with R. , our hopeful surrogate! Ha! To think of the field day they would have with that one!

Anyway, it was the first time G, R & I really talked details about this 'team' we were forming to hopefully usher in our baby. We, over the Indian Buffet, discussed the ins and outs- laughing over our things and misting up over the overwhelming possibilities at hand.

After G & I dropped of R we marveled at her honesty and surety of the inevitability of what we were embarking on. While we were interested in the emotional ramifications (ie. how she might feel at the end of the nine months etc.) her concerns where very practical (I'll need new bras) It was comforting. It made us realize that we should over-analyze less and go with the flow more.

As we fell asleep last night, we cuddled and thanked each other for the great Valentines weekend. Its not every weekend you learn the Rumba and take a person who may have your baby out for Indian.

So just before closing our eyes G. looked at me and said, "well, it's never dull!"
Ain't that the truth.

Friday R, G& I have our first appointment at the new clinic with the doc and the psychologist.

This, of course, has brought up some fears: "Wait-Are we actually sane??"
What qualifies sane in their eyes??!!

I welcome any insights/experiences that you guys may have with this part of the process...


  1. As much as none of us really want to be members of this IF club, there is such a great comfort in knowing our thoughts and feelings are shared by so many. I'm glad you "came out".

    I'm impressed with your new found outlook for the new year. It is something I could really benefit learning from. Thanks for sharing it with us.

    It's hard enough to deal with the overly-fertile crowd as they really have no idea what it is like to walk in our shoes, but to have someone who has and still doesn't "get it" is truly sad. She has the opportunity to use her experience in a helpful way and she completely chooses to "act all fertile". I'm sorry.....

    I'm looking forward to hear how things go on Friday! Keep us posted!!

  2. Thanks for stopping by my blog earlier today. I just caught up on your post, and oh boy - yeah, we do have similar stories!!

    Your post about how R and you met sent chills down my spine! It was totally meant to be! How awesome that she would offer you the gift of a lifetime! Good luck to all of you for your appointment on Friday - I can't wait to hear updates!!

    And I love the idea of "Operation Happiness"! You're right - we spend too much time swallowing our hurt to act in a way that is acceptable to the fertiles. It's about time we focus on our happiness!

    Sorry about your SIL - does NOT sound nice!!

    Hugs to you!

  3. Welcome to the comforting world of blogging! I think you'll find that it is very therapeutic and is a great way to find the support that you need. I'm glad that you found our little community and look forward to following your story. A fellow Canuck! Before all this craziness started I would have never thought I would have ended up in the US for treatment but you know what, you just don't know what you will do until you are faced with the realities that we are faced with. Good for you for putting yourselves first and doing only what you are emotionally able to do - your family will learn to understand even if they do not right now. Your SIL sounds like my sis and all I can say is I'm sorry. I know how much it stinks. Keep posting - I'll be following along!

  4. Sounds like a wonderful weekend. "operation happiness" sounds great to me! sorry about your SIL.

  5. I love the idea of "Operation Happiness"! It is so important to not miss out on the great things in life as we are struggling for that one extra "great thing".

    I'm dying to follow your journey. I know it has been hard up to this point...I really really know...but there are wondeful things ahead. I am so excited that you found R and that things are starting to move forward!

    Oh, and don't get me started on the SIL and how insensitive they (family) can be as they go through life popping out babies and saying mean stuff to us!

  6. I love your blog and the story of how you found your surrogate. I think you and G are doing the exact right thing in focusing on the two of you and everything good in your life.

    Your family... argh. I know just how you feel. And what makes it worse is that they went through IF themselves, which you'd think would make them a bit more sensitive. Sheesh!

  7. Welcome to the blogosphere! I'm so happy that you finally came out of the shadows. I hope that you find comfort, camraderie, support, and encouragement here. It sounds like your IF journey has been a long, difficult road, but I'm hoping that the next path on your journey is a smoother road that leads to your baby! I look forward to following your journey. I've been trying to comment on your blog for almost two weeks, but couldn't seem to get it to post. I decided to give it a try at work. I appreciate your comments on my blog and wish you all the best in your journey.

  8. thank you for writing about how painful it is to hear another woman's pregnancy complaints. it drives me nuts! (or more accurately makes me feel sad and hurt and horrible.)

    i am glad you had such a positive meeting with R. things seem to be off to an auspicious start!

  9. Thanks for stopping by my blog, and welcome to the blogosphere. I like your idea of Operation Happiness and it sounds like you are well on your way with it! Looking forward to reading more, but sorry you have to be in this place at all. I hope that surrogacy is your answer. Hugs!

  10. omg you have got to be kidding me (your sil) how did you not take the shirts and strangle them, which really really would have been my reaction
    So glad that you found me, and I found you in the blog world! So much to say so I'll just email you!

  11. Okay so no email, so email me AT I blog 100% anoyn but, I have a feeling that we live in at the very least the same country (canada). so much to say! So glad that you found R, Mr. Duck and i feel so lucky to have met K and her whole family (her kids, her parentS) they are all so supportive and great! It's all such a wonderful experience, and we can't wait to get the results on Friday.

  12. thanks for stopping by. i am so excited about following your journey.

    FEDEX people please HANDLE WITH CARE!