Thursday, February 12, 2009

How Our Surrogate Found Us

More of the story...

How our Surrogate Found Us

First of all-after reading a heartbreaking post on another gals journey can I just say: "INFERTILITY SUCKS." I know I am preaching to the choir, but man, when I hear about someone else's disappointment it breaks my heart because I know the pain and isolation they are experiencing.

It's like belonging to a secret fraternity that I wouldn't wish on anyone, but am so grateful to know that others are getting through this and usually to a happy ending...

I think that one of the most- and there are many-frustrating things about infertility is the deafeningly quiet response to the many times I have cried out "why??" to the universe as another treatment fails, or another friend or family member gets knocked up.

Every time someone else announces a pregnancy (many of our friends and family members are on #2 and 3) or every time the strength we have mustered to believe that this cycle will be our time turns into yet another disappointing phone call, a little of my faith gets chipped away.

In my life I have always had a sense of a path or something directing me and yet with the path we are on to start a family, there have been times I have had a sense of getting more and more lost.

That being said, the story of meeting our possible surrogate was definitely not of my own doing and really quite amazing. Although we are still very early in the process (we need to go for bloods and psychological evaluation) I believe that our paths even crossing the way they did was quite miraculous.

We'll call our hopeful gestational carrier R.

I met R. after a talk I gave in a city about an hour away from where I live. She came up to me afterwards and thanked me for my talk, asked for my number and wondered if we could have a coffee sometime. I said yes and we started talking on the phone and meeting once a week for a coffee and I knew from the beginning that there was something special about her.

A few months after our friendship had begun R. and I were planning to meet for a coffee after my follow-up apt. at the clinic following another failed fet. That appointment left more questions for me than answers and I left there looking forward to meeting a friend and getting my mind off of baby-making.

When I sat down R. asked if she could ask me about something personal. She had NO idea at this point about any of our fertility issues, I had not mentioned a thing to her. All she knew is that I had had a Dr.'s apt. before our get together.

I said "sure" and she proceeded to ask me if the Dr.'s apt. I had was a fertility doctor. I (jaw on table) said casually, " did you know?" and she told me that on her way over she had a strong sense that I was dealing with fertility struggles and that she wanted me to know that she had always thought that she would be a surrogate for someone who was unable to conceive, if that was something my husband and I ever were considering.

My reaction was of utter shock and, in stark contrast to my previous reactions when people would offer their two cents on our situation. Like when SIL would say things like, "maybe you are meant to adopt" and I would want to reach across the table and shut her first-ivf-worked-and-then-had-natural-pg-and-then-had-fet-baby's mouth! (do you detect the resentment?? yeah, I know, I am working on it...)

No, R's words melted my heart and made me think a higher power was at work here, because there was no possible way for her to know our situation.

Since then we have grown more and more open to the idea of R carrying our child. I never would have expected to actually be excited by the prospect of this and yet when I imagine someone else going through the 2ww instead of me, I actually feel relief! When I imagine the possibility of a bfp at the end of it (we know she is fertile, she got pregnant with one of her two children while on the bcp!!!!) I am flooded with happiness.

So, we now have a surrogacy lawyer, and have switched to the best clinic in Toronto which is surro-friendly.

That too fell into our lap.

Frustrated by my clinic I picked up the phone and thought "what do I have to lose?". I called the new clinics manager and left a message. She called back a few hours later, and after I explained our situation put me on hold and came back saying that Dr. L would not only take us on, but that they could start the process on Feb. 20th??!! This doctor normally has a four month waiting list?
She was hopeful, and kind and I was actually excited when I hung up the phone.

So, even though my faith is challenged and many times it feels like the reply to my questions is the sound of crickets, when I really look at these two events closely, maybe the answer is right in front of me...


  1. Wowzers! You've got quite the story! So awesome how R. found you! I look forward to following your journey! =D

  2. Thank you so much for your kind words...
    Your story gives me chills!!! It really does seem meant to be. I hope you are one step closer to your dream coming true!
    You have been through sooooo much...

  3. You have to believe in fate just a little bit to keep going, I think. And you have certainly had a lot going up to this point. R sounds wonderful, your SIL needs to be bitch slapped (I can say that, I'm not family). I look forward to following your journey.

  4. I'm so sorry for all you have gone through to get to this point. What an amazing new friend and blessing you have found in R. I'm looking forward to following along and cheering you along every step of the way.

  5. R here....everytime I read this it never fails my tearducts start to work over time. I thank God to have you and g in my life.

  6. Wow, it certainly seems like the planets aligned for you. Thank you for sharing the story of how you and your GC were brought together--it was beautiful and touching. I am sitting here with shivers down my spine. I wish you all the best and look forward to following your journey!

    I also want to thank you for reading and commenting on my blog. I appreciate your kind words and well wishes. I am far from an extraordinary woman, but rather am just a girl trying to survive in this crazy world of IF and baby loss.

  7. Simply amazing that everything worked out so smoothly. Getting into the dr. early is incredible to boot!